Defenceless
19th May 2010 with 45 comments
Let me put this straight… this past weekend was terrible beginning with the day I got caught in that queue (for non-Australians and non-British, you call it a line, okay…).
Sometimes when people ask you what’s wrong… they really mean it. (Sometimes I don’t want to talk about it.) I feel that some people just aren’t of any consolation. I know we’re not all comfortable around people who are upset, but sometimes you have to say more instead of just sitting there feeling sorry for the person. They could be hurting inside and all you can do is look at them in feigned sympathy?
Come on, give them a hug. Talk to them. Ask them if you can do anything to help. Ask if they want to be left alone. Ask if they want to talk about it. Ask them, “Whose head do I kick?”
I know this… I know this from my past… I’d rather not talk about it in detail… but honestly, some people just need someone to talk to. 
Today was one of the days I actually felt like being left alone.
Well, on Saturday, that long queue[1] at the store pissed me off. I was very angry at having spent so much time outdoors – mostly in the car and in that queue – and upon coming home, being told to do the dishes and clean the house.
I have been lacking sleep lately. That day, that day we’ll call the Day of the Queue, was a real waste of time and where the problems started. That was the beginning of my weekend. The day before, I had a full day at university. I got home late. I was exhausted. I didn’t do any work when I got home because I just wanted to check my email and play some games.
I wanted to sleep in that night. But no, the Day of the Queue came. 
Sigh. The past few days have just been really, really terrible. I haven’t gotten much university work done. On the weekend and one of my only days off on Monday, I spent time emailing people and reading their responses to my survey[2].
On Monday though, I had to catch the bus and walk to work, which was very annoying. I really dislike the recent bus timetable and route change. You know what this means? It means that after ten years of the same numbered buses going the same way, suddenly the 814 is going from Jupiter to Mars instead of to work! 
Things haven’t been good at home with my parents… 
I came home today from university to do a set of chores. I talked to my mum. It was upsetting. It’s upsetting hearing or seeing parents fight. Even though you know for sure they won’t split, it is heartbreaking to see them argue and fight.
I was stressed about my report for university; I was stressed about my group assignment; I was stressed about my other group assignment. I was squeezing a stress ball.
Yet they were hardly what I was worrying about.
I worry about the future when my parents fight. I really do.
[1] Refer to my previous post Part of the Queue
[2] If you’re over 18 and would like to help me out with my university research project by answering some questions, please email me.
) loves you!” Um, thanks so much? That’s really consoling. I seem to be “down” a lot, and one of my friends actually said to me once, “Well, Kat, I think people would want to be around you more if you weren’t so sad all the time.” Even thinking about that now makes me angry. I’m soooo sorry I can’t be happy enough for you all. I can’t control what I’m feeling by slapping a big, stupid smile on my face and acting happy. Because then my friends say I should have a “real smile.” They’re impossible to please, and sometimes it really pisses me off. Almost all of them have no idea what to say when I try to explain my problems, and they don’t even offer a hug or what not. It really sucks, because when I’m sad, I need someone to NOTICE and show that they CARE. Switching subjects isn’t going to make me feel better.
). The sadness and zombie-ness isn’t constant anymore, but I’m still not sure if it could have been considered serious or if it was just teenage hormones, which seems rather likely. Anyways, I don’t really hang out with her anymore, although I think it’s because I’m not longer cool enough to suit her. She’s one of the popular three in my grade, and she never has enough time for me anymore 
I’ll quit blabbing about my problems now and go work on my website!
Okay, STORY TIME! 
So back in… 7th grade (5 years ago), I was good friends with this one girl… let’s call her Bitch. So Bitch and me would hang out and we were pretty much two peas in a pod. She was actually one of my first friends at the time because I had recently transferred into the school. Well, during 8th grade she started hanging around with another group of friends simply because she had higher level classes. Whatever, cool. We would still hang out during lunch and stuff. At this point, I met my current best friend Elsa; we would hang out in class whenever Bitch wasn’t around. Soon after, things got sour. 
Obviously… not for a few years. Maybe decades. Nonetheless, I’m with you. I would rather be prepared and know I can maintain having a baby financially and not just jumping into a crisis for not only myself, but my child as well. I would like them to grow up in an environment knowing their parent can actually take care of them; unlike other moms who solemnly give their children up for adoption… if you spent the nine months having it, you might as well finish the job and raise it too.
Obviously you don’t have to comment on every little thing I say, but I appreciate it even if you read it; that alone says a lot. 
This isn’t The Sims for crying out loud! 
I think it’s because people have issues with asking people if everything is alright. Either they KNOW something is wrong and they don’t want to say anything, or they simply don’t want to mention it at all.
)
Or if she wants to talk about it, i just sit there and listen to her rant. 
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BoltClock
19th May 2010 at 2:15 am
Sorry to hear about your week. I honestly wish I could do much at all to help you feel better, but I’m not confident. Really, the only things I can give are:
A hug
A listening ear
Well, yeah, only those two. But I’m sure you understand that whatever I say/do, even if it hardly helps you at all, does come from a heart of good intentions. Everyone expresses their love or concern differently. I guess one size just can’t fit all. But I’ll try.
Also,
I don’t like people like that either. I guess, though, having nobody to ask me what’s wrong (I don’t know about you) does beat having hypocrites and liars giving me false concern…
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Georgie
19th May 2010 at 9:43 pm
Hugs are nice.
And sometimes I really like for someone to listen to me ramble or rant when I’m feeling down – yesterday was an honestly rare day in which I wanted to be left alone. 
I think I’m one of those people who feels awkward around people who are upset. In high school – I know it sounds weird – sometimes people in my “group” had their bad days and just cried. It was a pretty terrible time. I feel like that happens less in university; I don’t know why.
I’d much rather someone be genuine and try, though – giving false concern doesn’t sound very nice.
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